and, it’s not the moment to fill in the many spaces that have been left in the months of not writing. one thing that is headlining right now: inspired art. after much deliberation, hybernation, and incubation, we are back for year two. and i think i might, just might, try my hand at creating a piece.

now, there is no saying this piece will actually end up in the show. and I would never put my amateur hands up against the many talented, practiced creators that are lending the skills, vision and years of experience to this incredible show.

but this afternoon, after a day filled with inspired art logistics, brainstorming and meetings of minds, my attention was drawn to this poem:

Sleep Question

by Courtney C

When you’re asleep you’re probably awake, but you don’t know it.

As you dream you might be looking with your eyes closed.

While you’re lying down you might be standing horizontally?

As you lay on your pillow you might not be laying on anything at all.

When you put on your pajamas to sleep you might be putting on different clothes to wake      up again.

As you get sleepy you’re probably getting more awake.

When you lay down in the bed you might be laying on the floor.

While you get a midnight snack you might not be eating at all.

Your sleep is a question, so are you sleep or awake?

um, hello, a fifth grader wrote this. looking with your eyes closed? you don’t know it? sleepy is more awake? buddha? is that you?

today, she woke me up. I have been so busy, running around in my own life, with my work and my head cold, and my drama and my phone calls, in the mix of organizing the art show based on the words of Courtney and her comrades – and I hadn’t even read her words. at least, not really read them. let them sink in. let them raise their own questions. in my head.

so my slightly congested, sinus pressured head floated off, in the late afternoon, into courtney’s world. into my world spawned by courtney’s combination of words. that only she could come up with. today, her words have allowed me to, a year and a half after we started inspired art (which is now happening all over the country!!) to feel, in a new way, what we set out to do.

create a platform where youth voice could be heard, and in the act of being heard, could inspire _______________ (fill in the blank with your favorite word: art, beauty, connection, community, awareness, action, hope and on and on).

this thing actually works! or. the time has come when it could work on and in me. so, let the art making begin. who says my mama and my bro have to be the only artists of the family!

oh, and I know I push inspired art all over the place… but if you want to get involved… there is still time.

just think about it.

I imagined days full of dreaming. Dreaming and writing and yoga and interviews. I tossed around ideas of grad school. I went to open houses. I interviewed for a job I wanted and felt was a sure thing. I got rejected. I got back up on the horse, and kept imagining for myself.

Everyday of dreaming, and imagining, and thinking that the world was my oyster, the pressure built. My imaginative task quickly transformed into a mental challenge of ‘figuring it out.’ Figuring out how to pay my bills when I brought in half of what my basic costs were. Figuring out what line of work would satisfy the broad range of things I care about and want to learn. Figuring out how much money was enough money. Before i knew it, my days were not full of dreaming and writing and yoga. They were full of ever decreasing amounts of energy, much more sleep, lots of refined white flour, and distractions available and magnified at every turn blown ever out of proportion. Work can be an incredible respite from life.

And six months in, figuring it out has been determined an surmountable challenge. Being unemployed has been a deeply humbling experience. As I have been fortunate enough to learn young in the world of relation ships and partners, no one person is going to speak to my every need and interest. God knows why I thought one type of work would. I would never think that I could conjure up the man of my dreams and go and find him on the street, or rather, have him knock on my door (over and over again until I was actually ready). But, something in my brain told me I could do that with work. If I could think it up, it would happen.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the ideas of the (new-agey) law of attraction. We have to want something in order to find it in the world. But, for me, I think I have to be doing something in order to see the things out there.

Work is desperately important to me. More often than not, in casual conversation, when I mention my unemployedness, people respond with a sort of dire envy. “Good for you” they say. “Awesome.” “You are so lucky.”

It makes me kind of nauseous. I want to be doing something. I want to work with people. And feel neurons connecting in my brain. Not working is slowly diminishing my sense of a purposeful, productive human being.

Of course, I could be doing more. I could have an internship. I could volunteer. I could I could I could. But, the point is, that not having work is demoralizing almost instantly. I took a hit the moment I walked out of my office. And while I celebrated  with margaritas and organic nachos, the parts I couldn’t\ see, the parts covered up by my inherited optimism (privilege) and wishful, dreamy thinking were rooting down and in on my self esteem.

So, as I look up from what feels like a bit of an unemployed whole, there are a few things I have been able to extract from the rubble of a job I was happy to loose:

I need a mentor. Where the f did they go? For some reason, when you are an educated white woman, well spoken and literate, coming out of a liberal arts degree, determined to be in the service of humans and the planet, no one wants to mentor you. And, I am good at nurturing relationships. Really good. I am good at asking for help. But for some reason, my first job provided an oppertunity to compound things I had already learned: I have the resources to teach myself and do it by myself. And I should. Boss? No way. How about another friend.

I want a boss that kicks my ass.

I want a job. Almost any job. My dream job, or dream work, is something that is going to come out of doing something,. Even if it’s direct relevanmce to my lofty aspirations are not totally clear. If my brain is not wired and routine set in stone, at least five days a week, well, ba humbug.

Do something everyday. Make to do lists and cross things off. Even if one of the items is “get out of bed.” Especially if that is one of the items.

And when you can’t, don’t beat yourself up. It is damn hard to motivate yourself. Everyday. Especially when it feels like everyone around you has work. And love it. And are trying top hold your hand and support you from the comfort of their sense of purpose.

Unemployment benefits are a tremendous thing. And with growing rates of unemployment, they are helping many people eat and keep roofs over their heads. And, for me, they feel like a set back. When I think about working, the first 1250/mo I earn feels like catch up to money that is coming in for not working. Today, it feels like really good drugs I have to ween myself off of with fewer tangible memories of what life is like without them.

It is crazy to have a lucid feeling like you might be slipping through the cracks. Jobless related depression is one of the most mind numbing experiences I have ever had. I have seen a lot of types of depression related to loss in my life. Loss of life, houses, partners, children. Loss of work is a whole other beast. I’ll let you know if I figure that one out any time soon.

Writing about it does make me feel better. So does therapy (yes, it is one of the things I have financed in my unemployment because I think I would really be slipping without any form of guidance.

Exercise is really important. Even when you can no longer afford the yoga classes or gym membership or drop in dance class. Walking is a good free substitute. Kick boxing to youtube is also good. You look a little buts, but at least you move some of the sense of stagnancy.

I don’t throw things against the wall when my alma mater does not offer any response when I apply for a job I am highly qualified for. But it does make me feel a little but sad about how we value people – actual human beings – in the process of hiring and candidate evaluation. Oh, but let me note, don’t contact me about giving to the annual fund the next week? We are too technologically advanced to not be tracking our communications more closely. It’s lazy. And certainly not how you nurture and maintain a strong network (that you want to give you money).

Crying is pretty much mandatory.

Only ask for feedback and guidance from people you know are quasi capable of separating their own work related anxiety from your situation. this is a hard task. I don’t know that many people who are really good at it. But the few I do know are much more helpful than those that confuse their fear and their desires for me with what is good for me to do right now.

pray. or meditate. or draw. or whatever. do that thing that makes you feel connected. if you don’t know what that thing is. sit with someone you love who makes you laugh. if you don’t have one of those either, again, youtube videos offer comic relief are pretty amazing. Comic relief is priceless.

so it’s my birthday. (and also the birthday of two of my nearest and dearest. happiest of happiest, shanny and beana).

it’s been a good year. 26 was good to me. full of laughter. lots of yoga. a good vacation. work successes. a new love. longer hair (I have been waiting for this for a long time, let me tell you). a beautiful house. new, fast and deep friendships. lots of connection. lots of alone time.

and the past few weeks, as they always seem to for me, in the post holiday, pre birthday wintertime hibernation induced reflection/contemplation, have ushered in their friendly, be them challenging, reminders, hopes and thinkings for the time to come.

take the pressure off.  six months of unemployment has worked its ways on my well being (financial being the least challenging while completely mind numbingly stressful) and its time to work. period. i need something to do. I have proven that I don’t totally loose my mind sans routine. mission accomplished. and. trying to have it all figured out before making the first move hasn’t really gotten me anywhere. next step. apply. all over the place. all different types of thigns. see what comes and how it sticks.

practice writing. everyday. malcolm gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert. I think I have, oh, 500 down. ready. set. go.

let the creativity flow.

my brain needs serious exercising.

my body needs serious exercising.

let me find my way back into some sort of spiritual community/container.

live within my means. why is this so hard? if the money is not in your bank account. don’t spend it. cook at home more. trade in old books. hell, go to the library. practice yoga at home. consume less.

lighten the load. get rid of some stuff.

clean up old business. that car. in the driveway. that I totaled. yeah, lets deal with that.

the long term plan needs a hell of a lot of attention and presence (aka focus) right now. now.

learn how to ride a skateboard. aka. the adventure of learning how to fall down (and let that be ok).

sing. play the harmonium.

write thank you cards. who doesn’t love getting a thank you card? and, I have got a lot of folks to thank.

m         a         k       e                           art.

————————————

i dono if i really need another list.

i do love lists.

but at the end of the day, what I really hope for, is to trade in my to do lists.

for my heart. and my intuition.

combined with some good ole fashioned hard work.

the guidance of a loving mentor.

the nourishment of  friends. family. prayer. and simple foods.

sprinkled with laughter, good walks, a hand held in mine.

and this makes a happy girl.

—————————–

er. woman in her late twenties!

that said… Barbara Marx Hubbard says a lot about vision. the importance of vision, her visions, what the world could be. how all the trauma, heartbreak, destruction, killing and environmental degradation could be leading to something better. a new consciousness. one of my all time favorite professors and mentors in college used to say (until the cows came home. I’m sure she is still somewhere saying it) remember your vision, revision your vision, talk about it. dream it. share it. you can’t do the work if the vision isn’t big enough to hold everything you can imagine. even if it feels impossible. you can’t rally people without vision. you can’t make change without vision. you can’t heal. and we certainly, can’t do any of it together, if we don’t have a shared vision.

so, I wanna know.

what’s your vision?

the uninhibited one.

i spent my two years at mills (read second half of college and most time in one place) researching everything I could about the food system/justice/sustainability movement. I fantasized about moving to new york and setting up camp around be healthy! until bryant terry let me in and allowed me to work with him (when his home was on the east side, not oakland). I immersed myself in information and theory, while simultaneously experimenting and learning about the diet/nutrition side of things. I baked hundreds of vegan chocolate chip cookies, with alternative flours and alternative sugars. I baked them, for my boyfriend at the time, while fasting and cleansing – I baked without trying the batter.

i tried to learn as much as I could about what was happening socially while playing out lots of different scenarios personally. I hunkered down into a vegan identity, but always footnoted my comments with the idea that vegetarianism wasn’t for everyone or the answer to the worlds problems. I watched some of my health and body whoas disappear with raw foods, while my emotional food control issues flooded to the surface with such power that there was no way I could healthily sustain a diet of raw veggies, a whole lot of soaked almonds, and smoothies.

this was 5 years ago, and food was not the trendy topic it finds itself as today. there were not food writing/poltics tables in the front of every bay area bookstore. trust me, I was looking. but the momentum was building.

food has always been deeply personal, social and political for me. and, humbly, I hold it in high regard and deep respect for it’s impact and influence on our lives. now, this might seem like a trite statement – we need sustenance to survive. however, I do not hold food commentary lightly, or with disregard for the extensive stories, histories, emotion and effort that make it real, on our tables and ultimately, into our bodies.

so, what’s my point? today, six  or seven years after food entered into a conscious, passionate aspect of my life, I am finding myself at a crossroads again. as travel plans begin to take shape, and food and cooking find themselves at the center of our planning, I am left asking what is my role. I am by no means a cook or really, an aspiring chef. I like to cook greens and make simple food and am endlessly curious about cooking, and want to know more, but also thankfully leave that craft to the artists of that nature who surround me. I am not interested in pushing a certain type of diet. I am not interested in re-rooting my identity in a certain type of food  – even the che panisse brand of simple foods (I am just out of the vegan/vegetarian/raw rabbit whole long enough to have my energy and immunity back. i’m of irish stock, and 6 feet tall and need some animal protein in my mix).  I do not believe we are what we eat.

but, thanks to some insightful questing from my traveling companion this morning, I do care about the ways in which food ties us together. how we find solace in our food, celebration in making a table together, or alone. how food creates spaces of connection, be it to one another, the earth, ourselves or the moment. seeing people put their hopes and blessings, prayers and faith into food is hopefully inspiring.

i also see the ways in which we use food to separate and disconnect. recreating systems of power and identities of superiority and inferiority. we use food to determine who is who is the grossest terms – smart, rich, beautiful, fat, lazy.

i dono what this means for my role or my job or my work or my anything in this quickly spiraling field. as experts birth themselves daily into the dialogue, and camps of thought are pitched and valued, I worry that we move away from actually hearing. i know i want to be a part of a dialogue, hopefully some talking over some good food. this is one area, where I am going to move away from my white, educated, you can do whatever you want training, and not try and be an expert or have a knowledge base that quiets the thoughts and prayers and hopes of others.

I think I just want to listen. with all my senses.

my weeks have been chalk full of people and things I love. very few days left untouched. this has made committment – commit…ting – hard. really hard. the world of possibilities and all the thigns I could do, while they have been daunting, and I haven’t done most of them in my months off, have made choosing… well, I just haven’t done it.

sometimes, I think I rely on the universe or the world, to present things to me a little too much. I have been waiting for the winnign lotto ticket, or the job of my dreams, to land on my doorstep. and often, with work, as wil love and so many other things in life, we are so busy wiaitng for the thing to show up on our doorstep (with all of the elaborate stories we have about what it – of they – will look like) we miss it completely. I have missed a lot of things right in front me me waiting for something else.

(it’s like when you go to the store sure you know exactly what you are looking for. even though you have never actually seen it live, in action, on earth. and then. you are so busy looking for the thign in your head that you miss the things that are real and thriving in front of you).

I cold go on with this metaphor. but I will save you.

I have been so tired for the past… month or so. I have spent time trying to figure out why. are my amino acids low? am I sick? getting sick? depressed? is it the holidays? a new relationship? family stuff?

maybe it is all these things. but, today, I am declaring no.  I have been so tired, because I have been getting ready to say yes. getting ready with my plan. saying no, getting real, and honest, with myself about what I really want right now. what this time has been about. and that work is tiring. hella tiring.

but at the end of the day. there is a plan. an accumulation of some dreams, and a lot of excitement, some things practical, a whole lot of realness and truthfulness about what I want, some saying no, and some saying yes. committments left and right.*

for summarys sake, here is the short of it.

inspired art year two is happening. get ready to here a whole lot more about this.

i am gonna do some babysitting. a lot of babysitting. (wanna hire me?)

and my italian classes, are taking me to the place… in june. for a big open ended adventure. involving a whole lot of food… turkey, and the south of france, spain, and hopefully morocco. ireland will be in the mix somewhere.

and, i have a traveling partner.

*and the understanding, that still, with this plan, all things are open to change.

I’ll be honest here. I didn’t go to the first year. call it post-divorce family avoidance or a 23 year old I am too cool for school ‘tude, I was hesitant to participate.  But, the past three years have been a growing process. and while, at christmas this year I did cringe, turn bright red and start profusely sweating when last year’s rendition of sam cooke’s ‘a change is gon come’ (aka bridget belting out motown) came on over the speakers, I am sitting happily in my little home, today, listening to this years songs.

i got to talk with an old, old family friend today. a woman I have not spoken with since we left westminster (still a fivesome). Her family was hugely influential in my life. my first friends, and of the sons, I was determined to marry either. they taught me much about what it meant to belong, to be loved, to feel safe. (while largely unconscious, their friendship and mothering, shaped by relationship to the world, to my whiteness and race in general). as I told her of the divorce, she didn’t understnad how it could be, since we might as well have been the partridge family.

and we were. and now, we are learning how to be again, in a new figuration. and sitting together, in a recording studio, singing and playing our humble hearts out, is one way we are doing it – although, I think that makes us the von trapps.

so, if you so please, check it out: www.raysumser.com – and take a few minutes to check out the amazing work my little von trapp brother is doing. oh and by little, i mean that he is much taller than me and a huge teacher and inspiration in my life. there are little pieces of my heart all over the recordings, as they were made in a room that held some of my nearest and dearest, not worrying about what anyone else thinks (a seriosuly bridget concern) – just sititng around and making music together.

you know, I always wanted that. this. I always wanted to sit around and make music. and here we are. doing it.

and of course, any year, you are more than welcome to join us.

got up, showered and left my house before 9:30 am. I even put make-up on.

bought a planner. 50% off. and I swear, I am going to use it. (and buy things on sale).

spent many an hour posting on craigslist and responding to adds. jobs will come my way.

talked with bird about the coming changes in our house. possibilitites.

ate a cookie (there was only one left after I ate the rest of the yesterday. but I mean, come on, homemade with spelt and sucanot. doesn’t even count).

researched Italian classes. one starts next week. yay and scary!

did some returning.

and it’s only 2:24. productivity here we come.

lisa lou photog.

happy new year!

bird n gerbes moments before midnight 2008

laughing lotus yoga center. yeah. that’s right.

bird, maligi, shanny. living with me. even through winter. and pms.

amazing dinner parties. with amazing friends.

costa rica.

inauguration with bird.

inspired art. america scores. chicago, miluakee. colin: mentor/boss/friend of the year.

new beautiful house.

gules. gules r. stein. and the sisterhood of the traveling boy stories. in flat hipster shoes.

burning man.

so much laughter.

for those moments that remind you that anything can happen. at anytime. and its not always pretty. but in hindsight, it can often be pee in your pants funny.

health ceramics.

the walk to arch walk.

ferry building and all its bougie glory.

more food than one girl could ever need.

the elements! hot sun on back porch couch. sweet smell after the first rain. cold nights and many comforters on my bed. the most beautiful fall I have ever seen.

bikes rides out to the berkeley marina on the full moon to let give and usher in the new.

a million and ten plans as to what’s next. 5 different grad school ideas. for 5 different programs.

still thinking.

miles mountjoy. you the you the best.

mom, dad, ray and kate. we are doing it.

magazines for collaging. actually liking what i am producing.

judith! holy smokes judith. thank god for therapists.

music day. and the cd’s of former music days. and the ensuing instantaneous sweating.

wilson bethel. well, cause, we got the love affair of a lifetime going down.

russ and premier auto for hooking up this snazzy volvo station wagon I know OWN!

alcatraz. sunrise ceremony.

sharp, fancy knives. especially when left at your house with flowers.

hiking! being outside! the ocean! santa cruz! bodega bay! stinson! point reyes! oakland hills!

medicine. and the many forms it comes in.

unemployment. seriously. thank you.

mt. tam. what would I do without that place?

middle of the night kitchen dance parties. to 90s rnb.

lillian jean cat sumser. cause she teaches me a few things. like showing up to feed another being everyday.

michael jackson. enough said.

the little things the inspire me everyday. and always make it that much harder to focus on doing one thing.

my hips. cause they hurt a lot. and remind me not to push things so hard.

ferry rides across the bay.

long walks in the city. the many pairs of worn through flip flops. my stinky, totally unattractive uggs.

my cholesterol and blood sugar levels, as a former vegan now living on a straight butter diet!

evan bissel. you inspire me.

mrs. kaley berhe. you got my heart girl! (and my white girlness)

amma’s ashram in san ramon. for offering a refuge for a long, long time now. and the sweetest sit spot I have found.

carrie stone. sister. friend. teacher. thanks for laying your heart and hands on me in times of need!

blue bottle coffee. sitting and drinking coffee.

poop shake! the multivitamin keeps me healthy!

insight prison project. rochelle edwards. the men in blue at san quentin.

betsy and stewart. for reminding me about the important things – with all their 90 year old plus wisdom.

pizzaiolo. yes. i am thanking a restaurant.

charlie. for sharing with me his family. and some good dance moves.

matilda. cause this girl has got dance moves (and heart) we could all learn from.

beana, sis, kelse, becky, caitlin, laura. cause somehow, we are still going strong.

kristin claire wheel cooney.

for first weddings. and the five years before the next one!

moving. letting go. saying goodbye.

tosh. well, cause you didn’t yell at me when I totaled your car. and a million other reasons.

tnc. cause we have got almost ten years working this out together!

emma. for our weekly calls.

kingston. just thank you.

zoe. for lots of space. and really, the best spooning in town.

rudy. for teaching me about work.

nana and grandpa. for the gildea side of things. and the know how to throw a good party.

lisa. cause sisters don’t just show up everyday.

tawna. there is just not enough space to say.

wendy. open g center?! you are a mastress connector.

robin. it next to me on the couch or across from me on the computer forever?

heather. for riding the wave with us with patience and grace.

(wow. ok. I guess I am calling folks out individually now).

bird. you are my bird.

mal. cause you get me.

sis. guys you do keep me on my toes.

kate. you are a beauty… and you blow my mind.

ray. you inspire me to do what my heart says.

mom.  dad. there aren’t sufficient words. thank you. both.

for the ever widening circle of amazing people that come in and out of my life. that support, encourage, inspire and raise questions for me. for the beautiful cities and towns and hills i get to roam endlessly in. for the books that inform, keep me sane, and offer that little bit of insight I tend to always be looking for. for the birds and their songs.

for all that is to come, and that which must go. thank you for your presence in my life.

and for my connection and faith to/in/with that source… that comes through in the breaths I take, and magically weaves this whole thing together – becoming – my life. and homes, within it, my sense that there is rhyme and reason, somewhere, even if it can’t be known, for all of it.